Compliments as Discipline

I used to be absolutely certain that no harm could ever come of complimenting somebody.

Now I am absolutely certain I was wrong.

Wilchins describes the power present in gender norms as being "bottom up". "It is not held by authorities and institutions; rather it is held by no one but exercised by practically everyone." (2004, p. 63)

When I have complimented someone about a feminine or masculine trait I have unknowingly reinforced gender norms. Although it is not as damaging as say, shaming someone for not fitting into a binary gender role, it is still adding to an individual's self surveillance and self consciousness.

In the same way that Foucalt described prisons, the gaze of society can be seen to monitor and influence the behaviour of, and then become internalized by individuals in regards to, among other things, gender norms: "The prison was designed to change inmates' consciousness of themselves. Its aim was to make them, under infinite observation and control, infinitely self-conscious and self-controlling." (Wilchins 2004, p. 66)

When I visited Sachsenhausen, a concentration camp near Berlin in Germany, it was shocking to see how the entire camp was designed in such a way that from one central watchtower the entire camp could be observed and thereby controlled. Check out a map of the camp to better understand Foucalt's description in practice.

I've realised that when I compliment someone I am often reinforcing gender norms that the individual I'm complimenting may then internalise. The same has happened when people compliment or shame me. The gaze of friends, family, teachers and strangers and eventually myself have all acted to discipline myself and others within a specific norm based society. Therefore, I have realised that in an indirect way, compliments I have given may have lead some people to feelings of shame for not conforming to gender norms.